Chapter Twenty Three WORCESTER? I HARDLY KNOW HER!!!

Hey kids, move your cursor over the photos for Bobs fun-sized captions!

Dateline: Monday, 11/3/03
The Cheese Stands Alone, I Stand at O'Hare

Mock me if you must. I care not. I freely confess that the ONLY REASON I went to New York City a day before our tour began in Worcester, Massachusetts was to eat at Artisinal. True, meetings, conference calls and a chance to see friends fell into place afterwards, but it was the fromagerie to end all fromageries that, in dreams of pungent dairy delight, beckoned me...

...So you can imagine how completely pissed off I am, delayed THREE HOURS because some air traffic control guys are screwing around! Sinking dejectedly onto the floor in O'Hare, I solemnly (read: not so solemnly) call the three groups of friends who were supposed to meet me at 8:30pm at the restaurant to weep openly over the gooey nirvana. (My open weeping instead occurs here in the terminal, next to a chili dog cart situated by available outlet, whilst I recharge my phone.) Artisinal stops serving at 11pm. My bag comes onto the carousel in Newark at 10:20. The bus leaves at 10:30. 'Nuff said.

Ah, sweet fromage. I bid you adieu, but not goodbye! No, no - do not cry for me, oh many readers who understand not the siren call of the Lancashire Cheddar fondue with Apples, the Stilton, the 101 cheese mix, or the cheese plate selected for you personally by the fromagere from their 300-cheese menu. You are SO not invited, O Those Who Laugh Aloud at Me, the next time I am in town.

Dateline: Tuesday, 11/4/03
Meetings, Greetings and Amtrak Beatings

After leaving my bags at Amtrak Storage in Penn Station (finally back in service!) I head uptown to meet our agents and Paul Magid (a.k.a. Dmitri Karamazov). We discuss THE COMEDY OF ERAS, the show The Bobs and The Flying Karamazov Brothers wrote together and workshopped last February at Seattle's A Contemporary Theater. Our whimsical, possibly fictional, mutual musical romp through the worst times in history (mit juggling and some actual instruments!) was a huge success and had five public performances. We're fielding offers to produce it in 2004 and tour it later. After lunch, I show our agents the New York Times editorial page from Sunday, November 2, 2003 in which The Bobs are quoted. They say, "Your price just went up!" before tearing off 10% of the article and laughing maniacally.

After a conference call with a theater that's interested in the show, I head back to Penn Station, where my bad travel karma is apparently still A Thing. My Amtrak to Springfield, Massachusetts is delayed 20 minutes, but once we actually depart, the 3 hour ride morphs into 4. At one point I swear we are going backwards. (I know something is wrong when I see the St. Louis Arch out the window.) The guys, who this time include Dan Bob Schumacher (filling in once again for Joe Bob, abducted by aliens in late October) and Bob Malone (who has opened for us many times), are waiting to be picked up at the Hartford/Springfield airport. I call the car service to tell them to wait at the train station -I'll be all alone there but the guys can entertain each other!

At 11pm I am finally in the car barreling south on 91 to Bradley International Airport. I call Matthew to apologize for the unavoidable delay. "You may curse my name now." "Oh, we've already done that and moved on!" We find the guys at the baggage claim, where I immediately join in the much-deserved mocking of Bob's luggage, a blue bag with hideous white flowers immediately dubbed (a la the Comic Book Collector on The Simpsons) "Gayest Bag Ever." The ride back to Worcester is very long... we pass the rest area on I-84 where, roughly 15 years ago, I pulled my Plymouth Volare off the road to nap before getting on the Mass Pike. Very, very tired from partying with friends at U Conn in Storrs, where I did a season of summer stock in 1988, I was so exhausted I had to close my eyes or I'd never make it back to Boston. Ah, youth.

The Crowne Plaza is a welcome sight! Dan Bob and Bob Malone are amused and confused as Matthew, Richard and I do our usual check-in jockeying for better rooms than the other guy. Miraculously, I fall sleep yet again to Weather Channel (cable feed with REAL local forecast - YEAH!) Smoov Jazz.

Dateline: Wednesday, 11/5/03
A Mall and the White Visitors

Waking in Worcester I realize I've never spent any real time here. My pal Jim "Snausages" Gregoire (last discussed in Bob Tale Bobruary 2002) and I saw Billy Joel at the Centrum when I won tickets on WFNX in Boston in 1989. That's the only time I've ever won anything. I semi-remember a bad Mexican restaurant and getting really drunk on Margaritas before the show, which rocked. STORM FRONT tour. Snow was on the ground. Again, ah, youth!

Robert "Fig" Newton and his energetic assistant, Marc, fetch us in the lobby at 10:30am. We head for our rehearsal home: the offices of Blue Pumpkin Productions, in the Worcester Mall. Fig says the Mall is not exactly a runaway success: Worcesterians balked at the 99 cent parking charge (guess they never heard of validation here), and the retail space is about 50% empty (welp, the economy). He ain't kidding - it's deserted every day despite massive sales advertised. Matthew likes the espresso at Au Bon Pain in the Food Court...I head down memory lane to those Davis Square mornings when I couldn't pass up a croissant and hot chocolate there... I smile at the thought of bundling up to walk to the T. And at such mammoth carbohydrate intake!

Bob Malone and I started writing together after we met in Santa Cruz, where he first opened for The Bobs. One day I noticed the score for Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue on his piano. Turns out we'd both loved the piece since we were teenagers (at the same time, in New Jersey - must have been something in the air - like RADON!). The idea hit me like a ton of bricks: Bob Malone, an absolutely killer musician with monster chops should play it - and The Bobs should sing the orchestra part. Larger questions of when, where and how to do it banished the idea for a few years, until Robert Newton called The Bobs with a proposition to film a concert at beautiful Mechanic's Hall here in Worcester. Since we already had a great concert DVD, we thought it would be fun to do something new, making more than a Bobs concert. Something like... RHAPSODY IN BOB.

The first three hour rehearsal is more clerical than anything else, as expected. Clerical, you ask? Yes, with Richard doing most of the steno work! Richard, Dan and I arranged the beast using different computerized notation programs. Not all of it translated correctly, so things need to be adjusted. By day's end we get about 60% through the piece and I am VERY psyched. Here, at the beginning of the rehearsal process I can already hear how some of it's going to sound, and it's even cooler than it was inside my head. Some of the comedy starts to come through even though we are sometimes just finding notes for the first time (or maybe because of that?). Highlights include strange looks from office visitors and Matthew's comment when I air cello while making a cello-like sound: "You look like you're scratching a weasel."

The lobster bisque at the hotel restaurant is worth the $7.00... I spend a quiet evening answering e-mail and listening to Bob Malone's interview on WICN. We'll do that show tomorrow night. Nothing good on cable... I'd call people but I need the vocal rest. It's gonna be a long week rehearsing RHAPSODY and working Dan Bob into Joe Bob's considerable shoes, which he'll be wearing until the end of year.

Dateline: Thursday,11/6/03
Drive Time, Hammer Time, and Time Out

Unfortunately I do not sleep well, sounding like Brenda Vaccaro again in the a.m. When I get vocally tired I am hoarse but still can pound out some top end for a while. Not when I have to keep popping high As, Bs and such over and over in a rehearsal situation (hint, hint, guys!). I feel kinda fried already so I'll have to watch it for the rest of the long week. We are Figmobiled to WTAG, where we throw Dan Bob into the fire immediately with a rousing live "A Cappella Choir in the Sky" - his second time ever singing it! He does great. It's so interesting hearing someone else interpreting this tune, which Joe and I wrote - I kind of want to stop singing my background part and just listen!

Back to the weird mall, where Malone continues to break hammer after hammer on the old upright piano in the rehearsal room. We grab lunch and coffee then dive back into the piece, finally having reached the end by 6:00pm, roughly five hours later. Highlights of today's rehearsals:

My determined search for an appropriate place for an Oooga-chucka in the piece (I haven't given up yet; a judiciously places Ooga-chucka goes a long way in a classical context)

Richard: "Bob, can play your part slowly at #37 so we can see how we fit over it?" Bob Malone: "I can't play that part any slower."

Dan: "I have a bad case of malisma."

Dan: "Matthew, that is the most difficult part you have to sing there." Matthew: "It doesn't matter to me." Amy: "Well, if we said it was the easiest part, would you then feel worse when you screwed it up?" Matthew: "No."

Bob Malone: "Who has the gay bag now?"

After we sing the main theme of Rhapsody so perfectly in tune that we get chills when the piano enters - Dan: "It was so moving. I... think I peed a little."

Richard opts to walk back to the hotel (some would say, taking his life in his hands). I steer us to a Dunkin Donuts to buy coffee beans (I am now addicted thanks to the Bobs, but prefer Dunkin Donuts' blend like so many NY friends), then dine alone at an Irish pub type place two blocks from the hotel. Successfully resisting fish and chips, I snarf a roasted pepper and onion coated burger sans fries. Then it's back out for an interview at WICN with Nick di Bassio, playing cuts from THE BOBS COVER THE SONGS OF... After singing, and signing the wall in neon green next to other, more formal signatures, we head back to the hotel.

I decide to light several candles in the room for a bit - something I've recently started doing in hotels. Uber-stage manager Kristina Wicke of the Flying K's turned me on to it. Turn off the lights, chill, watch TV or write by candlelight. And despite claiming to be the lowest-maintenance female in the world, I now buy nice lotions and other girly stuff for tours. Kristina convinced me I should pamper myself in these in small ways since I don't have an Alex or a sweet Sitka P. Coldfoot around. And I'm diggin' it. After revising a draft of a residency proposal for The Bobs at a Delaware school during our March 2004 tour and a promo sheet for the Karamazov project, I take a Tylenol PM and drift off by 1:00 a.m. (Yes, I blow out the candles first!)

Dateline: Friday,11/7/03
New Rooms, Odd Tombs, Hard Tunes

In the morning, I run into Richard in the lobby inquiring about the arrival of our new CDs at the desk. Matthew appears and we break out a really difficult section of the Rhapsody score, attempting to sing it right there in the lobby. Then Richard exclaims "F*%k!" when he messes up. My immediate, equally loud disclaimer follows: "Richard, I know we're in Worcester, but we ARE in the lobby of a nice hotel." Two people checking in crack up completely as the front desk staff hides.

Our new rehearsal space (with a better piano) is the Royal Academy of Music in downtown Worcester. We know it's downtown because the street signs have hearts of them signifying the road leads to the heart of the city. (Or, as Malone offers, they're Heart Healthy.) The Royal Academy is a bizarre conservatory-type place where private lessons are held in very small rooms. There's a larger hall in the back for recitals. All's well and good with the cool classic instruments on display, but why the sarcophagi, full-size wooden sculptures of knights in armor, antiques and other stuff kids- Oops, I mean EMERGING YOUNG ARTISTES - could (should?) destroy?

Well, maybe people attempting to sing the full orchestral score of a concerto shouldn't be calling other people's collections of favorite things weird... We spend a lot of time on the last three sections of the piece, which Dan arranged (sweet revenge, I suppose), which are INCREDIBLY HARD - very chromatic. People pass by the small room we are in and stare unabashedly through the glass at the weird sounds we are making. (Is that good?)

Dan: What's a flivver?

Richard: "Crosstown Busses run all night, doom- dah, doom-dah"

Amy, re ASCAP swag I am wearing, coveted by Bob Malone: "My ASCAP is somewhere else, but you can have my hat."

Matthew, re my new array of evening gowns and re-blonded hair: "You need a new name. Like a one-syllable thing - no Bob. Like Bjank." Amy, in a vaguely Slavic accent: "I em Bjank. Do not muck me."

We check out Mechanic's Hall later in the afternoon - absolutely beautiful, and one of the most acoustically perfect venues in the U.S. Richard consults with the sound guy about multitracking the show so we can tweak later if need be. (Yes, Bobs fans, there is a Santa Claus...but come on - we're premiering a 15-minute piece!) Bob Malone dances with joy at the prospect of playing the Steinway in this amazing hall. We'll film his set too, so even if it's not used in the DVD, he'll have some great demo footage.

The meet and greet at the Bijou Theater is very fun. We do four tunes and I am once again so impressed with Dan Bob. He's a quick study, a sweetheart of a guy, a massive talent and possessed of a great onstage persona. It's a pleasure and a discovery and an all around party of a time to sing with him. I hope this is how the guys felt when I first started! I remember thinking I had such big shoes to fill in an already established group, but when I realized I was Amy Bob and no one else, that's when the REAL fun began. Perhaps Dan Bob has gone straight to that place. In any case, he's hysterical, and a genuine find.

The new CD has arrived and looks mahvelous (you can buy it RIGHT NOW right here!) I pack for the looooooooooooooooooong day ahead and check my e-mail.

Dateline: Saturday, 11/8/03
Live Long and Pawling

After spending the morning with Enterprise to get us a minivan, I meet the guys back at the Royal Academy of Inappropriate Antiques for more Rhapsodizing. Mark expounds to me on his ideas for Bobs tunes, which include something involving Star Trek. I have always thought Richard Bob was extremely Spock - so much so that Joe and I began work on a Star Trek cycle at one point. As we all attempt to do the Live long and prosper hand signal, I ask how Vulcans give each other the finger. Without missing a beat, Richard informs me that they do not, because "It would be illogical."

Around 2:30 p.m. we head for Pawling after grabbing lunch. The odd health food store around the corner seems so out of place in Worcester (read: Woostah!). I hunt for low carb snack bars, and after finding very few I learn they "only carry food with no artificial ingredients." Aw, come on! (If I were a Vulcan, I would have given them the finger despite the illogic.) I gotcher all natural ingredients right here! Later on, Jolly Giant Dan Bob devours a Big Mac, large fries and Chicken McNuggets right next to me. There's that Ah, youth thing again.

We rehearse all through Connecticut, reach the Towne Crier around 6, sound check and run Rhapsody. Laurence Juber, the original guitarist for Wings, sound checks as well. Amazing player. Later on, he dazzles with intricate, beautiful interpretations of Beatles and other classics.

Dan Bob's first show in Joe's spot (he was actually Matthew once this summer - his versatility's pretty awesome. Imagine learning one part, then wiping your hard drive clean and learning another) goes very well. He even remembers most of the lyrics! Rhapsody's first ever run through in front of an audience is good. We have no time to socialize after the show, so the usual hang with Phil (the owner) takes a raincheck. We get back in the van and reverse the 3-hour route... Yep, you read that right... choosing to go back to Worcester now instead of in the morning.

During the ride we chill to Laurence Juber's latest CD and Chet Baker, calling our respective West Coast spouses as we bullet up an empty I-84. Punchiness sets in. Bob Malone and I crack each other up imitating conductor announcements on the T in Boston from our Berklee days. No one else laughs. (In retrospect, I think they wanted to hurt us!) We pull into Worcester at 3:00 a.m.

Dateline: Sunday, 11/9/03
RHAPSODY IN BOB

I can't believe Malone and Dan missed the free breakfast! Richard, Matthew and I, well schooled in the ways of gratis food, chow down, discussing stress ailments before packing up for the show.

Cameras follow us around from noon to three filming "backstage antics" as part of the DVD that will eventually be made of this concert. Lots of hamming it up there. We soundcheck in the Great Hall amid the portraits of what must be the Mechanics (sans Mike?) and several presidents. Man, this place is gorgeous. And when I hear us do the main theme to Rhapsody it sounds so crystal clear I want to cry. This is one of those cool, cool moments when I think about... well, you can imagine what I think about!

Joe's "Amy Engelhardt Knows Everyone on the Planet" principle kicks in big time when I get styled by makeup artist Rebecca Rachel. Turns out we have met before - in ALASKA! Mid-Massachusetts, someone I had lunch with two years ago (she was there with a mutual friend) at Café Del Mundo in Anchorage is applying my mascara! This may sound strange (hmmm... never stopped me before) but any worries I have about the show subside after this discovery. It's like a signal to me that everything will be OK. Alaska is that special to Alex and me.

Bob Malone kicks serious butt in his set, coming offstage obviously pumped, hair asunder. We take the stage to thunderous applause, bursting into "Caravan" immediately. Dan does even better his second time around. We plug the new CD. The Rhapsody is wonderful, and we are completely taken by surprise when 1300 people leap to their feat in a massive, what seems like 10-minute roar at the end. I am so ferklempt! We do some more Bobs tunes, then the Rhapsody again, thanking the crowd profusely for their patience, and reminding them to laugh in the same places they did before. We close with an insane rendition of "Bird on a Wire," accompanied by Malone and featuring a huge pratfall by Matthew. It's hysterical.

A huge crowd awaits us in the lobby. The consensus on Rhapsody is wonderful. I'm so relieved! We aim to package this as a more classically oriented Bobs evening, opening up a whole new set of markets for us. (Yes, kids, we think in these ways!) I think the film will be great - and hope that they weren't lying when they said we'd only be filmed from below. 'Cause if the George Washington portrait had a camera in it, I'm gonna be the Mayor of Boobtown in my gorgeous new dress!

We are treated to a wonderful Chinese dinner by the owner of Auntie Cheng's - a well-deserved, seriously high carb fiesta! We toast to the successful week and Fig's tireless efforts as a first-time concert and film producer. We'll film additional material in the coming months, but we're over the big hump. Can't wait to see the footage!

Dateline: Monday,11/10/03
The Long Ride Home

The alarm goes off at 4:45 a.m. but I have been awake for hours. I never went to sleep when we got back to the hotel. It's not uncommon for me to be awake straight through the night when we have to leave that early. Sometimes I just get jazzed after shows, and this was a major personal project. I stress about not waking up in time even though I am completely packed and can be out of the room - literally - in five minutes!

We assemble in the dark and ride back to Bradley, punchy as hell. Bob's flight isn't until 9:45 but we could not get a second ride - I feel bad for him. Heck, I feel bad for ME, completely uncomfortable and not able to sleep but really, really needing to on the flight to Chicago.

One thing's for sure: I'm grinning from ear to ear on the flight to Los Angeles, despite a serious case of plane face, when the United Airlines video comes on. As the strains of Gershwin's masterwork spill through the 767, I wonder if Richard, on his flight to Oakland, is also smiling.