(In which I get to address the question: what happens if you get sick on tour?)

Hey kids, move your cursor over the photos for Bobs fun-sized captions!

Dateline: November 7-8, 2000 -- Somewhere Over the Atlantic

Awaiting the election results aboard the United flight to Frankfurt, we're treated to a very bad John Wayne movie (The Soldier and the Geisha), a very bad Nicolas Cage movie (Gone in 60 Seconds) and Erin Brockovich (yippee- my friend Matt plays the bartender!). I sleep for maybe 45 minutes, which must be obvious because the Passport Control guy asks me how much money I have!

I drive the first shift of a 7 hour haul to Vienna, pausing only to destroy Matthew's Harry Potter book: We stop at a rasthof, I move stuff into the backseat so Matthew can drive, completely forgetting that I put the book, which I was so excited to read I kept wrapped in a pillow so as not to damage the cover, on the roof. I realize a half mile later that it's toast. We return to find it in fine condition, mid-autobahn just past the entrance ramp. As I start to risk my life to get it, a huge truck runs it over ripping it to shreds. I feel terrible -- and replace it later -- and Matthew reminds me that he replaced a David Sedaris book I lent him which he lost! Moral of the Story: Don't lend things to Bobs. Just give them to us.

A cheesy delicious dinner at Vienna's Hopfenstange -- Austrian style nudeln, dark rye and potato dishes -- as we fight to stay awake. Childhood methods of "jinxing" are reviewed (and employed) until the conversation turns evil with talk of Matthew's teenaged Ohioan exploits and games of mumblypeg. Jeez, what boys! I finally sleep after NBC Europe shows Charlotte Church and the kid who sang "One Voice" doing a horrific duet on Leno. I bolt awake at 3:15am, naturally.

Dateline: November 9, 2000 -- Voice Mania

I'm starting to feel... I hate to say it... sick. Sneezy and scratchy with dry throat. I ponder yesterday's surreal autumn drive, remembering the bus and truck tour I did here last century... strolling the Maria Hilfer Strasse I think Vienna is much like New York City... The post office guy asks me, "What is problem with American presidency?"

Our first show at the Voice Mania festival is a short preview for our headlining the next night. Austrian comedic vocalists Die Echten bring the house down with their Deutsch re-lyrics of 80's pop tunes I wish I understood! After the show we meet Vienna Boys Choir coordinator Tina Breckwoldt and former VBC soloists Stefan and Julian who are big Bobs fans. These teenagers have seen more of the world than we have and name-check exotic places constantly, but with their accents it's totally charming!

They invite us to a rehearsal but the timing doesn't work out - Tina vows to bring the choir tomorrow night. We ponder how they'd sound singing "She Made Me Name You Earl" or "Late Model Love."

Dateline: November 10, 2000 -- Vienna Boys II Men

Socked in by a horrific cold, I spend a terrible night with CNN. Nothing is open at night in Europe so I have to wait until morning to find an Apotheke, where I ask for something strong to get me through the weekend. Opting to sleep all I can (jet lag will have to wait) in order to have as much voice as possible, I miserably kiss my only free day in Vienna goodbye. Around 3:30pm I venture out for french fries and run into Richard Bob, who asks if I've been hit by a truck. Yes. I feel absolutely awful but it would have been worse if I'd gone exploring all day as planned. Hell, I was so sick I didn't even check my e-mail! The show goes well at the Opernkino - thanks to Nuschin and a very pregnant Haike for all their hard work! Photo opportunities with the Vienna Boys Choir ensue despite our never having found a tune for them to join in on. We are dubbed "Honorary Members"... take that, N' Sync!

Dateline: November 11, 2000 -- I Got The Fever, We Got More Shows

Two hours' sleep - a subtle improvement. Determined to see something in Vienna, I grab a cab to St. Stephensplatz after moaning and groaning to Alex on the phone. I take the elevator to the top of the cathedral for a panoramic view of the city I must return to see. My grandfather's family lived here. Just think: I'm blowing my nose where Engelhardts blew their noses hundreds of years ago!!! In the square below, mass cultural education occurs as Viennese young and old line up, performing folk dances with the "Wien Tanzschuler" (Dancing School). I want to join in but must U-bahn back to the hotel - we leave in an hour.

The Buehne Im Hof is a beautiful concert/theatre space in downtown St. Poelten. The auditorium is the former front yard of a house whose facade is now indoors, incorporated into the building. Thankfully it's a non-smoking show as I have precious little control over whatever voice I still have! The medicine is clearing my sinuses but I have potholes where my normal voice should be. My speaking voice is decimated - the guys advise me not to talk because it sounds so terrible - not because I'm funnier than they are! We add old Janie Bob tunes like "Fever" and "Party Trained" to the set as my lower range expands... I so wish I'd had a full voice for this triple-encore night... the audience was WONDERFUL! Chip and Nicole Ritter, American fans now living in Prague, stop to say hello after the show. I sauna when we get back but feel just awful.

Dateline: November 12-13, 2000 -- Bern, Baby, Bern and Winterthur

A long but beautiful drive across the Alps to Bern, Switzerland. Lichtenstein is shimmering at senset. Tunnels are long and bizarre. Once settled in at Matthew's in-laws we head for the brauerei at WORB (see Bob Tales: World Wide Worb which aside from the hypnotic brew also features a killer restaurant that catered Matthew and Fiona's wedding. We intend to treat the McGuigans to thank them for all their warm hospitality but end up egg-faced when the place doesn't take credit cards! Of course we have no Swiss money. Rosemay opens her purse, humiliating us with three words in her lilting Scottish brogue, "I'm not stupid!" I don't drink for fear of feeling worse -- a terrible state to be in. Back at the house I climb into bed in Fiona's old room, cavelike and quiet, and notice a pen from "Piccadilly Inns, Fresno, CA" on the table. Hey, that's mine!

SLEEP! SLEEP! SLEEP! Maybe all I needed was a familiar, welcoming environment, since the medicine isn't working at all.Ý My head is clear, it's just throat problems that persist. News that our Basel gig is cancelled is somehow alright -- I get an extra day to heal before Munich on the 16th. As usual, we make runs to the MIGROS and the COOP for fondues and chocolates -- great holiday gifts!

In Winterthur, Richard and I dine on weird green olive soup at Hotel Loge as I attempt to explain my "things in other things are no good" theory of cuisine -- for instance, nuts are fine and brownies are fine. But nuts IN brownies are very not fine. Disgusting concoctions like carrot cake and banana bread fluster me. Richard, alas, doesn't get it.

The show at the Albani is packed (even on a Monday night)! I get to sing "Temptation," another Janie Bob standard. A fan says he hears us on West Coast Live on cable radio in Europe. As the church bells here are inescapable, Matthew offers a bed back in Bern for the night and I gleefully accept. I need all the sleep I can possibly get, at about 60% vocally with little day to day improvement and I squeak when I laugh, defaulting to Brenda Vaccaro when I don't make a concentrated effort to sound like me. At least it doesn't hurt. As we drive back, a melange of bad 80's tunes floods the radio... "Something About You" by Level 42 stirs up memories of New Jersey summer stock late nighters in 1985, riding home from some diner...

Dateline: November 14, 2000 -- Once Bernt, Twice Happy

Richard and Joe stay in Winterthur to do some shopping; Matthew and I do so in Bern. It's a blessing to me to be back in the familiar while sick. John McGuigan is ill as well, with the flu. We relax over tea with jam and bread in the a.m. before heading downtown. A brezel (pretzel) with knoblauch (garlic) and butter backed inside is the first order of business! Das YUM!!!!

Amazing crafts are found at the Handwerkmarkt (hand made market) and we snag a new huge merchandise carrying bag with wheels -- hey, a new concept! European kitchenware design is amazing -- and expensive -- maybe when I'm a rich person I'll get some... or not. Naps and intense coughing fits follow. That night, Matthew dines out with old friends and I make fondue with Rosemay and John -- yet another sensory shangri-la -- as we discuss world issues. Why does conversation outside the United States always seem so intellectual? Sometimes I think we are so insulated and trendoid. I've always thought that travel to another continent should be required of all U.S. citizens... Rosemay says she and her friends enjoyed my Bob Tales account of our last visit here; I wonder if they think our WORB obsession is insane... On the phone, Alex says it's so cold in LA he's making a fire. I look out the window at the snowy Alps, wishing he were here and I wasn't coughing.

Dateline: November 15-16, 2000 -- Planegg from Outer Space, Munich

Another good night's sleep with classical music playing... and less coughing! I get an e-mail from a British friend revoking the United States' independence based on the events in Florida. We pick up Richard and Joe and head to Munich for the home stretch! We continue an ongoing in-house European navigational competition (since the directions are invariably wrong or indecipherable, shotgun must navigate). Richard's directions are... faulty. We (me and Joe) proclaim the "Green Team" (me and Joe) to be the leader. I'm sure Richard (with Matthew, on the "Loser Team") will vehemently protest, but simply put, Joe and I are The Chong when it comes to getting where we need to go. Granted, Richard lost 1000 points for his team when he arbitrarily TOOK THE MAP while walking in Pforzheim, but we don't make the rules, we just obey them. (Note to Richard: should your record improve, I will defect post haste.)

The Hotel Planegg (from Outer Space, we call it) is the nicest yet, albeit way outside Munich. We drive in to meet our European agents Stefan and Burkhard before dinner at the Lowenbraukeller where giant beers eradicate 3/4 of the Bobs. Joe gets his schnitzel, Matthew his steak, and me a weird quiche-like bacon potato onion thing. At an Internet Cafe we meet A.J., from the Bay Area, who tells us "my sister LOVES you guys!" We figure him to be a Net millionaire "traveling the world for a year."

Decent sleep... but I'm getting sick of CNN as the only English station. If I see Q&A With Riz Khan one more time... This time around I've made the least amount of effort with the language, owing to my being sick and exhausted. I vow to take a course in conversational German sometime this year -- and then charge the Bobs for my services! Into Munchen Hbf via S-bahn -- it's good to be "oot and aboot" as our Canadian friends say. Got a never-released in the US Badfinger CD for Alex and a cool shirt for me, then a treat: despite impending mockage, I must have a McRib at the Karlstor McDonald's! Next time I'd like to see the English Gardens.

Our show, part of the Vokal Total Festival at the Spectaculum Mundi is jam-packed. Girl group Savannah opens for us. A GREAT show -- only now The Beast has Joe within its grip, too... "Party Trained" is a huge hit, and I have enough power to do "Share A Load" -- kinda... Fans from the UK, Canada and Michigan greet us and Stefan introduces us to a St. Gallen promoter who wants to book us in 2001. A wonderful night, and I think I'm finally getting better.

Dateline: November 17-18, 2000 -- Holding Down the Pforz-heim

Alex just had breakfast in LA with a friend whose sweetie lives in New York and they commiserated... I'm jealous about the pumpkin pancakes they had, but I'll be home soon! He tells me that the Florida election antics are sapping his will to live. We've been telling audiences we're the only a cappella group without a president. If anyone on CNN says "pregnant chad" again, I'm blowing das groceries!

Plans to visit the monestary/brewery at Andecks are kiboshed -- apparently it's a patio/view experience and today it's cold and rainy. During a major stau on the A8 I lament the lack of moose on this tour (Alex and I are obsessed with them. How come no moose? It's an Alpine animal!).

Matthew has taken to saying "no moose" every time I say "moose." I may have to hit him. Our Pforzheim hotel is over in the industrial section of town so we drive in for dinner -- spatzle! Somehow Joe and I decide the Bobs should cover "Cherokee People" and crack up while yelling it (with choreography) all the way back to the car, pausing only to theorize a noise-for-noise cover version of a live album tune like "Running on Empty."

The BBC apparently has this effect on me. If only I'd known this before! Joe picks up some tiki gods at a town fleamarket, where we learn that European junk is still junk. I have way more voice tonight and seem to be on the mend -- FINALLY. After the show we hang with multinational fans Phil (from Oklahoma), whose friend Mary Beth was incredibly bummed she missed the show, and their friends Jill (UK), Claire & Julia (born in Hamburg), Gwen (Venezuela), Helga (Frankfurt)and Matt (from LA!) before having beer with the promoter, Sandra. She shows us an incredible book about Pforzheim's history as the "Little Paris" before the war (it was bombed -- thus explaining the abundance of parking garages -- towns that suffered little WWII damage tend to have narrower streets... and no parking garages).

Dateline: November 19, 2000 -- Take, Take Me Home -- Endless Hours of Pure Fun

A gorgeous sunrise peeks through scattered clouds as we vroom to Frankfurt. I cough up more goop. The Captain announces that the majestic coast of Greenland is visible... I do my expenses and hand Richard a Benochten tablet so he can sleep... we watch The Kid and Old Chicago and The Patriot and drift in and out of consciousness... I finish Drinking: A Love Story (which oddly makes me want a drink) and Calvin Trillin's Tummy Trilogy (which doesn't make me hungry!). United Airlines makes sure I don't get better after the 11 hour flight by cancelling my shuttle home from San Francisco FOUR TIMES... Oh, I'll get there... but I'll be sick for weeks... such is life on the road!!!

©2001 Amy Engelhardt (text), Alex Stein (page)