Chapter Six

DIE, BOBS

or , "Die Bobs" In which our 4 protagonists brave the endless meat and cheese platters and self-perpetuating language impairment to do an exhausting swing of 22 European shows in less than 4 weeks. Hilarity ensues.

DATELINE: Germany and Switzerland, March 10 - April 5, 1999 Trust me on this: it would be eine grosse bore indeed to recount the trials and tribulations of our Deutsch Deluxe Drive-a-thon of Delights. Not to mention the boring parts. So here are some pictures, which will certainly speak louder... Oh, and some statistics:

# of shows total: 22

# of times directions to hotels and venues were incorrect: 44

# of shows in which Amy said "Wir sprechen ein bessien Deutsch": 22

# of shows in which Kurt Weill's "Alabama Song" got no special response despite Matthew's beautiful operatic delivery of final note: 22

# of shows in speed metal, rock or punk clubs: 10

# of clubs in which posters for an act called "Vicki Vomit" were prominently displayed: 3

# of shows where club was a former slaughterhouse: 2

# of shows where ghosts of dead cows rushed stage during encore: 1

# of shows in which Joe's sparkle shirt got the loudest reaction of the night: 18

# of onstage dueling Joe Cocker impressions by Matthew, Joe and Amy: 5.5

# of shows in which Richard's bass voice frightened children: 7

# of shows in which a deranged fan climbed onstage and sang a Backstreet Boys song: 1

# of shows in which he came back after the encore to sing "Yesterday" and we ran off in terror: 1

# of shows videotaped before we realized the sound on the camera didn't work: 4

# of cities we played in which a Circus was also in town: 7

# of times Matthew considered joining the Circus: 7 Strangest geographical juxtaposition: Fans from Austin, Texas in Glauchau, Germany (former DDR)

# of times Richard and Amy ran into each other at Cybercafes: 11

# of times Richard and Amy argued over who was the bigger cyber-addict: 11

# of "snibwiches" "snibbed" from fruhstuck (breakfast buffet) by Joe, Richard, Matthew and Alex: 76

# taken by Amy: 1 # of kilos of meat and cheese products consumed by Bobs: 93

# of new stamps on Subway card for these products: 0

# of episodes of "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer" dubbed in German watched: 1

# of times the name of the Swiss town of WORB was repeated in a "youwillbeassimilatedresistanceis- uselessgiveintotheWORBwearetheWORBWORBWORBWORB" way: 1,056

# of beers consumed DURING trip: 127

# of beers brought back by Joe in a burlap sack: 126

# of bottles that broke during Lufthansa Flight #118 from Frankfurt to Los Angeles: 1

# of beers detected by malt-sniffing customs dogs: 0

The Photo Gallery

Richard on the Bridge

Richard Bob stretches out before ballet class in Dresden as locals RUSH to buy tickets for our first German concert.

Bobs with Statue

Amy Bob demonstrates how the Vulcan DeathGrip can turn Germans to stone. Others, immune,are bored.

Alex w/ Statue

Alex Bob, acting as video technician for our first two weeks, suffers trans-dimensional problems stemming from jetlag.

Amy and Cat

Amy checks to see if it's "der Meow" or "die Meow.

Potato Joe

"I know the potatoes are here somewhere. If only God would give me a sign."

Mopping Amy

"Damn it! Some joker always walks across when I'm done Mopping!"

Messe Man

In Leipzig, we had the misfortune of playingthe same night as Big Head Todd (left) and The Monsters (not pictured).

Hotel Joe

Luckily, Joe can't read the graffiti, which says "Go Home Imperial Vocal Percussionist Pigs"

Hocker

Old German proverb: "When a fat satyr hocks a stream of continuous lugies in your ear, it's time to quit your damn dancing, ya freak!" (Note to self: check on exact translation)

Joe and Amy Bern